dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Randomize
