so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
