I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Randomize
