Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
