I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Randomize
