I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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