Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I got inside last night via doggy door
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
