I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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