sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
