Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
