I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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