He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Randomize
