wrigley field is MILF paradise
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Just puked most of my soul out..
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