I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
