I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
