Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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