herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
