in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize