i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
