I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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