my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
