i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
