she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
