How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
