Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
