So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
sex in a hospital.. check
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
