Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
