What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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