omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
thus making me awesome and them whores
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize