It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
