i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
