Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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