I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
