Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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