i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
