Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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