Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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