just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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