I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
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