The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
