My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
