i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Randomize
