If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
