ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
