Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
