Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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