Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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