she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
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