I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
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