A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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