yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
