I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
