I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
PANTIES FOUND
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