so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
