good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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