i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
