My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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