Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize