Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
