I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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