dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
