About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
