We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
