dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize