that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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