Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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