Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
