he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
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