FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
